Captain Who and Doctor Jack
by Watcha
Summary: The Doctor and Jack make a bet: who can have the best week in the other’s shoes? How will they fare in each other's elements? Not very well. Hints of various pairings.
1. The Bet

It was a normal day for the Torchwood staff

It was a normal day for the Torchwood staff. That meaning some alien had wanted to destroy and/or conquer the Earth. Again. Jack honestly couldn't see why the Earth was such a wanted target. And the Rift was being real irritating all week. So a caffeine-deprived team stumbled into the Hub to get clean and go home (they were so busy that week Ianto actually ran out of coffee.)

So it was while this was going on that Jack heard a familiar noise belonging to a certain blue police box. It was loud. Why was it so loud? Oh, that's right. The Doctor decides to materialize ON MY DESK. _IN_ MY DESK. THE NERVE… and said DESK made a sickening crack as it was split into three perfect sections. Then the oblivious Doctor stepped out.

"Captain! Marvelous to see you again! But I seem to have landed in the wrong time era and location, so I apologize if I'm interrupting something. I just wanted to give you your third-of-a-desk back." The Doctor chatted away while kicking out the middle of Jack's desk from the TARDIS. A ginger-haired girl came out of the TARDIS after him, looking cross and annoyed.

So was Jack. "Lovely to see you again too Doctor. My DESK doesn't seem to be able to withstand TARDIS landings…so please don't do it again. I like that desk. And hello Miss, can I help you?"

"It's Donna. Donna Noble. And you must be the infamous Captain Jack Harkness?" She asked while making sure to look and poke everything in Jack's office.

"That's me! But why infamous?" Jack was hurt. The Doctor was telling rumors again…such a gossip that alien was.

"Well, this story couldn't be kept in this rating category if we discussed that just now Jack. So all you smut-lovers will have to wait till later!" The Doctor was talking to both Jack and someone else in the room, but neither Jack nor Donna had any idea of who that might be. (that's you readers, by the way)

Passing it off as yet another oddity of the Time Lord, Jack ignored it, saying, "Well, since you're here, you might as well come with me and the team to the pub. We're going out tonight to celebrate the continuation of the world and alcohol." Jack grinned.

How could the Doctor refuse such a pleading smile?

After the DESK was put back in order and the TARDIS and the van managed to make it to the local pub, Jack introduced everyone.

"Alright Doctor and Ms. Noble, this is my team: Gwen, Ianto, Owen, and Toshiko. But we call her Tosh. Sometimes." Jack pointed in turn to his team, who each had a different reaction to the alien and his friend. Gwen smiled in her normal over-friendly fashion; Ianto simply gave Donna a small smile but fixed the Doctor with short glare; Owen waved-he just wanted some beer-, and Tosh was looking between Donna and the Doctor, wondering where she remembered them from.

The Doctor had mixed feelings as well. He couldn't understand why, but Gwen annoyed him. His eighth sense was telling him something. He made a mental note to not tick Ianto off in the future and make sure Jack wasn't on the TARDIS before taking off again. He liked Owen for probably the same reason he found Gwen irritating. And then he remembered for Tosh where they had met before.

"Dr. Toshiko Sato! Fantastic how this works out, isn't it? Meet any new space pigs?" He grinned from ear to ear. He liked Tosh as well. Tosh was deeply confused and amazed.

But nearing the end of the party, Donna made quite a few observations. She was a practical person, and had formed a list to this likening:

These people were just as insane as the Doctor

Owen was a complete moron for not noticing the none too subtle hints from Tosh concerning a date

Tosh seemed alright if not having a bad taste in men

There was something more than brotherly love going on between Jack and Ianto

They were buckets of fun when they were drunk

So this is how the night ended: everyone was extremely chummy and no one found out when or how, but Jack and the Doctor had made a bet. Maybe it was influenced by the alcohol, but the Doctor and Jack were going to switch places for a week. They were going to see who could do the other's job better. So Gwen officially dubbed them Captain Who and Doctor Harkness. No one knew the consequences of putting Jack in the TARDIS and the Doctor in the Hub. But Donna had a feeling she would add more to her list that Monday morning.


	2. Doctor Jack Harkness

This is how it's going to work. Every chapter will follow either Jack or the Doctor. They will switch every chapter. Until the last chapter that brings them back together. Hope it goes well.

Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood, Doctor Who, or any related things...

* * *

"So, how do you drive it?" was the first question that the new Doctor Jack eagerly asked Donna.

"How am I supposed to know? I've only tried it once and apparently almost blew up London. You better not dent this thing on London, mate." Donna said rather loudly. Jack could tell this was frequent for her.

Jack and Donna were in the TARDIS Monday morning trying to figure out how to start her up. The Doctor warned about calling the TARDIS an "it"; she would make sure Jack lost the bet. So they were being extra careful.

"I wouldn't dream of denting this old girl! The Doctor would kill me anyway. Not that it would hurt in the long run. Or should I call him Captain Who now? That sounds funny…" Jack was chuckling at Gwen's skill with new names. He felt sorry for her and Rhys's baby.

"Yeah, I'll never let him live it down…but Doctor Harkness, shouldn't you be saving the whole of time and space all this week? Chop chop!" Donna sat in the captain's chair, looking at Jack expectantly.

"Do you have to call me that?" Jack whined.

"Yeah, yeah I do. That or Doctor Jack." Donna was enjoying herself.

"Ok, I like Doctor Jack better. Sounds less formal. Alright, here we go…I'll just pull a few levels or something. Unless…TARIS, can you help me out a bit? Please? For old times' sake?" Jack pleaded with the slowly pulsing column at the center of the control console. The TARDIS gave a rumble-Jack took it as a yes- and lurched into the Time Vortex with the signature whooshing noise. Donna and Jack were tossed around the console room a bit until everything settled as the TARDIS began to spin lazily in the Vortex.

"Wow. We didn't blow up!" Donna was impressed. And happy that she didn't blow up.

"Well, the TARDIS was the one driving, so I'm not surprised. But you better get a grip on that chair Donna, because Doctor Jack is your captain for the remainder of the evening!" And with that, Doctor Jack promptly began to push and pull every button and lever the console had to offer.

"NO! WHAT ARE YOU-" Donna tried to shout over the noise of the TARDIS. The last thing she saw before passing out was Doctor Jack holding a stopwatch…

* * *

The suspense of it all. Yes, I do realize it is overly dramatic, and that the name pun I threw in there is just awful. But that's OK. Because the next chapter is about how Captain Who deals with Torchwood. Ohohoho…reviews are worth their weight in cotton candy.


	3. The Captain Captain Who?

This one is following the Doctor…

Disclaimer: I have to start remembering these...BBC and Mr. R. T. Davies owns Torchwood and Doctor Who. Not me.

* * *

"So…hello there." Said the Doctor, now Captain Who, to the Torchwood team upon entering the Hub. He was impressed. The Hub was really big, had a pterodactyl in it (called Myfanwy for some reason), and had every alien gadget under Earth's sun. Playing Boss here would be simple enough. But, the bet worried him slightly…because he couldn't remember the consequences for the loser. So he had to win to make sure he didn't end up Jack's slave or something ridiculous.

"Hello?" Said the woman known as Gwen Cooper.

The rest of the team was shifting about uncertain of what exactly they should be doing. Owen broke the silence.

"So Mr. Alien, welcome to Torchwood's Hub, we hunt down any alien or artifact that comes through that lovely Rift that runs down the center of Cardiff. You'll be taking Jack's position, so I assume you'll want to take a look at all his papers in his office…which is now your office. If you intend to sleep in his bedroom, I seriously recommend changing the covers. Or just chuck the bed out, actually…it's unholy." Owen shivered. Captain Who was very afraid.

So the new Captain went up to Jack's office. He immediately noted the baby TARDIS on the Desk. How had he missed that before? No wonder his TARDIS wanted to eat the desk. She wanted to protect the baby…awww…

But now is serious. He had to protect Cardiff and save the world! But first, paperwork. HE MOCKS FOOLISH MORTAL PAPER! No paper is safe from The Oncoming Storm!

"Greetings everyone!" Captain Who shouted from the balcony-platform.

"Hello Captain. Is something wrong?" Tosh asked from her computer, trying to be helpful.

"What? No, not at all. I've finished all of Jack's work, scheduled all his meetings, taken care of all the plants, filed all the archive documents, cleared out the filing cabinet, and tidied the area in general. So I was wondering what you were doing and if you needed assistance…" Captain Who did not understand why his team-for-a-week was staring at him like that. He didn't like it. "What? Is something on my face?" he rubbed his cheek with his hand, but didn't find anything.

"No, you don't have anything on your face…it's just that this has never happened before…Jack has never finished everything he had to do in a day in under a half hour. Or a week, for that matter. It's slightly incredible." Ianto explained the team's awed expressions for the Captain. His previous assumptions about the Doctor vanished and regarded the alien with new respect. So maybe he wasn't some evil boyfriend-snatcher.

Gwen couldn't believe it. She physically walked up into the office to check. Coming down, she said "It's true. But impossible. Jack had papers from the 1800's he never filed! How can you do 209 years of work in under a half hour? How?" she was backing away from the Captain now. No way was he normal.

Great, thought the Captain. I scared away one of my new employees in the first hour. Usually takes a day at the least to do that.

"No need to be freaked out, Gwen. You need to realize the difference from a Time Lord and a lazy conman. My finishing early is clearly logical." The Captain tried to placate a shaking Gwen now. Her nerves were really shot. She kept muttering "not natural, not natural…" under her breath. Maybe the disappearance of the mountain of paper was too much for her. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off, hmm? Yes, there you go…find a nice pile of paper to play with…"

Tosh watched Gwen leave the Hub and shook her head. Poor Gwen had just gotten over Owen getting a haircut. Tosh honestly considered Gwen's over sensitiveness as some mental handicap. Some strange form of OCD or something.

"That was odd." Commented Ianto.

"…who wants to play poker?" Owen asked. Gambling and booze was the answer to any form of awkwardness or boredom at Torchwood 3.

* * *

...Yeah...


	4. Blobslapped

So I was thinking, what kind of horrors should happen to Jack? And I said, well, he should endure untold ridiculousness with an old friend. Makes it better. Then I was all, what would Donna think of Jack's buddy?...don't hate me for it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood things or Doctor Who things.

* * *

"I don't care if you come back every time, but YOU SIR are going to die." Lovely. That's the 'good morning' Doctor Jack got from Donna when he woke up from what he suspected was a mild coma. Or death. He couldn't tell.

"S'not my fault we're…wait, what happened? This is slightly worrying." Doctor Jack just realized he wasn't in the TARDIS anymore. More like chained to a wall next to Donna. "WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT MAKES VILLANS CHAIN ME TO WALLS!?" he yelled, earning a kick from someone one his right, who wasn't Donna.

"Don't call me a villain in public! It's embarrassing!" came an angry whisper from none other than Captain John Hart…Who was chained to the wall also? Disturbing.

"And keep it down Doctor Jack! I don't want to make the Blobbies upset!" said Donna not keeping it down.

"Doctor Jack?"

"Bet."

"Ah."

"What happened while I was gone?"

"Well…" Donna began…

FLASHBACK!

_The TARDIS crashed into a stone tower in a flowery field. Many colored Blobs oozed quickly back and forth in the rubble of the tower. They then proceeded to arrest the strange blue container that had nearly killed the King Blob. The King was furious that the top half of his house was destroyed, and ordered the box to be executed by decapitation. Unfortunately, no one could properly say where the head of the box was, so they put it in a maximum security playground. Doctor Jack and Donna then tumbled out of the smoking TARDIS to be roughly blob-handled by the guards who wore the feared emblem of the guard- a triangle on the circular blobbish world. They oozed their new half-unconscious prisoners to the Wall of Flowery Shame, where they would hang until their trial was held. The other prisoner was blob-slapped for trying to take the new secretary on a date._

END OF FLASHBACK!

"…Do you know how ridiculous you just sounded Donna?" Doctor Jack asked as he regarded his surroundings with new interest. Fine, so the manacles were slightly floral…as well as the wall.

"It's true! Ask the horny guy over there!" She snapped back. Men. They always doubt.

"Oi! Stop talking about me like I'm not here. Say that to my face." John challenged Donna while trying to turn towards her.

"You're horny sunshine."

"Thank you."

"At least try to take it as an insult!"

"You two could form your own act. Congrats. But what does to trial include, if anyone knows?" Doctor Jack figured he had to stop the shouting match sometime.

"The King tells you what you did and you try to defend your actions. Simple really. No jury, just the defendant and the old Kingly Blob." John explained. His secretary friend was very informative. And purple. He didn't think that bright a shade of purple existed before he met her. Or him. Hard to tell with Blobs. Not that it mattered much to him anyway.

"So what are you here for?" Doctor Jack asked John.

"I'd much rather that be left more or less privy."

"Please?"

"No."

"Doctor Jack, I think I agree with John that we shouldn't know." Donna sighed. _But John's sort of nice if you look past his ego…_

"Why, may I ask, does my crime have to be bad?" _Wait, that made no sense. But I always say odd things around pretty ladies…_

"Because it's a crime, you dimwit." Donna tried her best to be irritated, but she couldn't. _Oh no, I'm not mad! I only just met this weirdo. I can't…have a thing for him!_

"Well, look who's talking." _What was that?! Lamest comeback to grace my lips. It's all her fault for being nice to me before Jack woke up. Yeah, all her fault. Stupid niceness effect.  
_

"You really stink at this game John." _Must act indifferent to the strange man. Can't let him onto me. _

"Well, I hate you." _Curse this woman with her good looks._

"I hate you too."_ Curse this man with his good looks. _

"…after this is over…want to go out?" John finally asked after a moment of awkward observation from Doctor Jack.

"...Yes, I do." Donna replied, holding her head up high. That was so Doctor jack would back off. It didn't work.

"Aww, John has a crush!" Doctor Jack interrupted the moment with his cooing. "Donna, and I thought you were a no-nonsense person!"

"SHUT UP JACK." John and Donna kicked Doctor Jack from both sides.

"Ouch. That hurts guys."

"Well you better keep quiet or it'll hurt more, mate." Donna looked threatening.

Then they noticed three red Blobs coming down the stairs to the dungeon they were currently inhabiting.

One spoke up, saying "The bipedal prisoners will all be tried at once in front of his Majesty's Blobbiness. Tremble in fear!"

* * *

Yes, fear the Blob! Sorry, you'll have to find out the trial outcome later. Because, honestly, there is no outcome as of yet. I apologize for my lack of alien species creativity.


	5. Truth or Dare: Torchwood Edition

sorry it's taken so long. I've been distracted and stuff. Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: Torchwood + Doctor Who not mine

* * *

"Poker?" the Captain asked.

"Yes, poker. You know, the one with chips and cards?" Owen clarified for the new Captain in the fashion of an adult explaining to a child why they need to go to bed at night.

"No, I know what it is, I'm just confused because I was under the impression that this was a work place…" Captain Who tried to reprimand Owen and be a good boss but failed. He was bored and needed entertainment and Owen seemed to have a plan.

"Well, since we're all pretty much finished with our work anyway, we can all play something. It doesn't have to be poker if anybody has another idea." Toshiko piped up quickly, obviously already having an idea. She looked at Owen.

"Ok then, Tosh. What do you have that's better than my idea?" Owen challenged the technician.

"I don't want to squash other ideas…" Tosh mumbled shyly, looking away again.

"Nonsense, squashing ideas is for Daleks! C'mon, as your captain-for-a-week, I order you to tell everyone your idea!" The Captain motioned for Tosh to continue.

Ianto had been silent for the whole exchange, calculating what horribly embarrassing things they would soon be doing. Boredom at Torchwood was never good. Boredom at Torchwood was signaled by the suggestion of a poker game. Tosh was opening her mouth to relieve said boredom. _Here it comes…_he thought.

"Truth or dare!" Tosh squeaked. Ianto was about to open his mouth to protest, but the medic beat him to it.

"Oh no. I refuse-" Owen started, but was interrupted by the Captain.

"Shush. Listen up fellow world-savers! I'm about to abuse my position." Captain Who grinned. "Mister Harper, Mister Jones, you shall play along with Miss Toshiko's game, or I will make you suffer. Ianto, would you please call Miss Cooper? I think this is perfect bonding time…"

"And by bonding, Sir, you mean spreading our gossip around the whole of Time and Space?" the archivist asked, eyebrows raised questioningly. He didn't fancy some strange blobby alien having a discussion about the members of Torchwood 3. He wondered vaguely why he specifically imagined blobby aliens. No records showed any such aliens in the files he read.

"How did you know?" the Time Lord couldn't wait to share stories with Donna. He felt a manic grin spreading across his face as Ianto sighed and went to call the missing police woman.

"Captain, you won't really, will you?..." poor Tosh looked at the Captain imploringly. Maybe her game was a bad one. Why did her curiosity about time travel get the better of her?

The Captain felt his hearts melt inside at the look on Toshiko's face. How could anyone make a face _that_ sad? Curse these humans and their ability to manipulate his emotions and actions.

"Oh, alright. Not the whole thing, maybe just an eighth. Too difficult to talk to the whole of the Universe anyway." Captain Who assured Tosh.

Ianto chose that moment to make a reappearance.

"Everyone, Gwen will get here shortly. She was just taking a walk around the Hub. Said she apologizes for "freaking out," Captain." He informed the Torchwood team plus one.

"Hmm, but I'm impatient and in need of a laugh, so we'll start now and include her later." The new Captain said, ushering them all around Tosh's desk. "So, how do we know who starts?"

"Well, how about I skip this and you carry on? Plenty of work, after all…" Owen began attempting to back away slowly.

Ianto snorted. "You hate work." He stated.

"So?" the medic snapped back.

"You've deeply offended the alien responsible for your workload." The archivist pointed out a pouting Time Lord, trying not to laugh at Owen's look of defeat.

The alien in question was giving Owen puppy eyes.

"Fine! I'll join in on the massacre of dignity you call fun." He took a seat hiding behind Tosh.

The Hub alarms went off, signaling to everyone Gwen's smiling return.

"I love this game…" she said sweetly, taking a seat next to Ianto.

Ianto and Owen groaned.

* * *

So yes, both the Jack and Doctor's stories are coming to a climax! Excitement! Reviews are also excitement, by the way...


	6. The Trial

Mwahaha...I wanted so much to torture Jack. Dunno why. When I wrote this, I imagined the King Blob had this deep, echoey voice. Like...in Monty Python, the voice of God. Yeah. That's why he gets all philosophical and stuff. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Sad.

* * *

The trial was to be held in the Royal Blob-Court, the Blob's pride torture establishment as well as place of justice. It resembled a Roman Coliseum in more than one way. So Doctor Jack, Donna and John were forced to sit in the center of the building, surrounded by the Blob-folk who sat on bleachers. All things considered, it wouldn't have been so bad if the seats were made of something other than dry ice.

"Jack…I can't feel my arse." John complained to his fellow Time Agent, who was busy thinking of a way to vaguely justify his losing control of a time machine and smushing the top half of the royal tower.

"Well, ignore it or something. It's working for me." Doctor Jack retorted. The trick was to imagine you were sitting on ice cream. He smiled at the slightly kinky thought.

"Easy for you to say! You just come back to life if you freeze to death. We ain't coming back sunshine." Donna really wished she had a parka right now. For her butt. It hurt.

They were interrupted when the crowd went silent and the Universe's biggest Blob came into the stadium-court. His Kinglyness was indicated by a vibrant yellow cape and a crown on top of his massive blue bulk.

Looking down on his prisoners, he began the trial.

"The first biped to be caught will be the first to be tried. I will now announce the charges." King-Blob began, while John turned very pale. "They are as follows: Arson, murder, rape, disrespect to the authority, assault of the authorities, resistance to capture, more murders, possession of illegal substances, possession of Class-A weapons, and overall, being a thorn in the side of society." He finished impressively. The Blob-folk gossiped in low whispers, those not aware of the crimes snatching glances at John. The victims were simply Blob-nodding, scowling down at the prisoner.

Doctor Jack really wished he could kick John right now. "Rehab was a bust again?" He asked wearily. John nodded, giving Doctor Jack an embarrassed smile.

"John, you said you were on this planet for only a few hours." Donna clarified for herself.

"Yeah." He replied nonchalantly.

"How can one man rack up a death sentence so quickly?" she exclaimed.

"Practice honey, practice." John flashed Donna his slightly insane smile.

"So puny biped, what have you to say in defense or denial or your actions?" The King-Blob rumbled.

"Ah, yes. I can assure you; those things weren't entirely my fault. See, I made a dare with one of my mates that I could juggle fire on a planet with slightly less gravity than Earth. Weird, right? Anyway, I lost. The fire hit the roof of the house. Thinking back, juggling indoors wasn't the best idea..." John reflected on what had happened with a frown and continued his explanation. "It all went downhill from there."

"For the murders, I must say, the Blobs who owned that house really ticked me off and my murder-rehab teacher was a joke. So, I blame my teacher. Rape? No, I can assure you it was voluntary. She was the cousin of the homeowners, right? I was comforting her. The husband just came in at the wrong time. Not my fault."

Doctor Jack and Donna kicked him.

John continued, pointedly ignoring the pain in his legs. "I cannot deny that I attacked your police, King, but I can deny that I had illegal substances or a Class-A weapon. Those alleged 'substances' were my, uh, medication, to erm, reduce…my inborn aggressive nature. Yeah. That weapon, that was a, it was…a hairdryer. Yes, exactly that. Notice my flawless hair. And I am offended! A thorn in society's side? No! I live to improve societies. It just went badly here. Ask them." He jerked his head towards Doctor Jack and Donna.

"What? Oh, yes, he spreads peace and happiness wherever he goes!" Doctor Jack lied through his teeth. His mouth felt dirty.

"Yes, I agree. Quite the gentleman, he is." Donna gave her best fake and painful smile she could to King-Blob.

"Biped, you are fortunate that I am merciful. Your explanation is questionable at best, but I can see that you are an unrepentant idiot. Therefore you shall only be banished from this planet, as opposed to years of painful torture I had in mind. Go out and gain wisdom to defend others from yourself." The King of the Blob planet declared. The Blob-folk cheered the King's wisdom and quieted for the next trial. "The ones who fall from the sky in the blue box, here is the crime: crashing into the central tower of the Blob planet, destroying my home and splattering several of my subjects. What have you to say in defense?"

"Um, not much, just that I lost control of it. Sorry about your house and your losses…" Doctor Jack replied, hoping they wouldn't have too much trouble.

"Does the female have anything to say?" he asked politely.

"Yeah, thanks mate." She pointed towards Jack. "It was all his fault. He was the one driving, not me. Drinking, see."

"Hey, I was not! The TARDIS is not easy to drive!" Jack felt betrayed.

"Woman, I see which gender of your species has the greater mind. Therefore, I excuse your companion's folly. I ban all the males of your species from this planet; spread the news wherever you go. Leave us so that we may rebuild and mourn. But first, before you go, I think some penance is in order…" King Blob gave Doctor Jack and Captain John something resembling a wicked smile as the trial was ended…

* * *

Back in the TARDIS, Donna was busy laughing at the boys. Turns out the Blob-folk have a sense of humor. The 'penance' was some form of semi-permanent ink on their foreheads. It was ink that translated its message into the reader's language. So emblazoned in large print on the each of the former Time Agents' foreheads was one word. On Doctor Jack's: PRICK. On Captain John's: SEXY. (The purple secretary was in charge of the labels) Either way, watching them stand next to each other, Doctor Jack pouting and John smirking, they spelled SEXY PRICK for the entire world to see.

"Shut up, Donna." Doctor Jack yelled at the cackling woman. It just made her laugh harder because every time he spoke the letters on his forehead began to flash and wiggle.

"No! Ha, your whole team's gonna be embarrassed to stand near you!" Donna was very happy about it.

Jack was not. "Listen, you! I still get to be the Doctor for another 6 days! So I can't go around saving the Universe if you're too busy laughing at me…Oh no. I have to go around the Universe with this on me…" Doctor Jack scuttled over to a corner to sulk.

"S'not too bad for me, actually. I was going to get a tattoo similar to this later anyway." John commented, watching his forehead light up as he spoke.

"I'd like to see that. C'mon, let's go John. Doctor Jack, be a dear and fix the TARDIS. Me an' John are going for that date. See ya sunshine!" Donna called over her back as she led John outside to the planet of Barcelona.

"Date? I can't take anyone anywhere till the ink goes away…Ianto is going to laugh at me…Tosh and Owen will take pictures…Gwen will tell all her friends…the Doctor will steal pictures from Tosh and Owen and put them on his Facebook…my life is over." Jack sighed.

The day was spent with much moping.

* * *

I have to say I think John and Donna would make a lovely couple. What do you think? Anyway, hope it was good, cuz I had this fixation on ideas for the next chapter, and they distracted me lots.


	7. The Game

I had all this great stuff to write, but then...most of it got lost in my brain. And the minute this fic is over, I will remember all of it perfectly. always happens...hope it's still decent!

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who. I mean, did you hear what they did in the Turn Left episode of Doctor Who? What fan in their sane mind?...

* * *

"I want to start! I wanna start!" the Captain chanted when the almost wholly willing Torchwood team was ready to start their game of Truth or Dare.

"Oh alright. I suppose if you people can get it out of your systems…" Ianto grumbled. He hated these 'bonding' things. Why couldn't people bond doing normal things? No, of course not.

"Right! Ok…Owen!" the Captain began. Owen groaned. Captain Who ignored it and continued. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare." No way was he telling his secrets to Torchwood's most wanted.

"Fufufufu…I dare you to stop being a twat long enough to take Miss Toshiko on a proper date. No twatness, you hear?" Captain Who gave a blushing Tosh a smile. Then while she turned away to cover her glee, the Captain gave Owen the "screw this up and I will go back in time to give you an allergy to beer at birth" glare.

Owen turned pale and nodded. Thinking about it, he should spend more time with Tosh. She was cool when she wasn't yelling at him for touching her computer.

"…Tosh is that fine with you?" he asked her while rubbing the back of his head. Tosh looked able to make words again, her initial shyness dealt with.

It came back the minute Owen asked.

"Y-yes, it is." She replied. Gwen hugged her and whispered something in her ear that made her giggle. Owen swore he would never understand women, ever.

"Great! Now that's settled, it's Gwen's turn." The Captain announced. He loved this game already.

"Mmm, alright…Captain? Truth or dare?" Gwen asked.

"Truth." He answered.

"Who in this room would you rather kiss?" the former copper asked with a mischievous smile on her face.

Captain Who squirmed in his chair for a bit before returning a manic smile of his own. "Myfanwy. Definitely Myfanwy."

The Torchwood team cracked up at the Captain-for-a-week's declaration of love for the resident pterodactyl.

"How do you think you'll manage to do that?" Toshiko asked the Time Lord.

"Give her chocolates, obviously." He stated matter-of-factly. Ianto almost choked on his coffee when he realized the alien wasn't joking.

"No offense, but I _really_ don't want to see that. My turn, right? Um, Ianto. Truth or dare?" Owen asked the archivist.

"I can only imagine what sick things you'd have me do, so truth." Ianto calmly replied.

"Aw man, I had a great dare too! Why'd you have to ruin it, Tea-boy? Oh well. Answer me this; is that coffee machine of yours…alive, in any way, shape, or form? I think it hates me. " the medic asked wearily.

"You think so too? Jack told me it wasn't alien, but I don't believe him. Because I think it growled at me when I tried putting instant in it once." Ianto whispered, sneaking glances at the kitchen, hoping the machine wouldn't hear.

"Yeah? Scary. Torchwood 3, home of the demon coffee maker." Owen commented.

"I might take a look at it later. Might be from somewhere I know." The Captain mused.

"My turn! Ooooh, Gwen, truth or dare?" Tosh asked.

"Dare."

"Break into Jack's bedroom, steal something, and hide it somewhere." She whispered.

"What? No, I can't…if he finds out it was me…" Gwen gaped at Tosh with wide eyes.

"Would you allow me to tape this? Thanks." Ianto went off to get a camera.

"Sweetie, it's a dare. You chose dare, so you have to do it." Owen said in a sing-song voice.

"Good luck, Miss Cooper." Captain Who said gravely.

Gwen gulped.

"Oh good you haven't started. If I may, could I insert my own dare here?..." Ianto asked, camera in hand.

"Sure Ianto. The more the merrier!" Captain Who said evilly.

"Steal his hair gel." The archivist suggested.

"Ianto, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?" Toshiko slapped her

forehead.

"No! Do you remember the last time someone touched his hair gel?" Gwen whispered frantically.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. You wouldn't believe the things he said and did to me." Ianto frowned, but then gave Gwen that smile that made her wonder if maybe he was secretly homicidal towards her. "I want to see what he does to you."

"Go on Gwen, we're waiting." Owen teased. He remembered why he liked the Tea-boy so much now.

So Gwen crept slowly up to Jack's office (now very clean since their new Captain tidied up) and tried to open the hatch door. It was locked, but a smiling Captain Who dangled a key from a string in front of her. Not daring to breathe, she unlocked and opened the hatch. She knew it was silly-Jack wasn't here-but it was like sneaking into your parent's bedroom when they weren't home. They had ways to know it was you. With Ianto filming her, she quickly went down the ladder and rummaged through her boss's things (she DID NOT want to know what some of them were for) she found the hair gel. Creeping up the ladder and locking the hatch again, everyone followed her to the autopsy bay. Owen grinned broadly when she put it into the fridge where the corpses were stored until further probing.

Giggling like crazy the five people retuned to the desk they were using to play their twisted game. Gwen gave a big sigh of relief as they all sat down again.

"This is excellent blackmail. Thank you Toshiko." Ianto said over his shoulder as he accessed the CCTV records and removed the footage from Gwen's escapade, then expertly replaced it with copied footage from earlier that day.

"Wait…blackmail?! What did I ever do to you? Give me that!" Gwen cried, lunging towards Ianto's camera.

"Gwen, honestly, there is no need to attack cameras. It's already on the hard drive, protected by approximately 327 passwords only I know. And I was kidding, it's only for laughs. Don't you trust me?" the archivist asked a flustered Gwen.

"Well, I don't know…yes, of course I trust you…aargh, leave me alone!" the Welsh woman went to hide behind Tosh.

Ianto looked at Owen, nonplussed by Gwen's lack of faith in him. "Well, you can all stop staring." He said.

"Right, sorry mate. But uh, if you're willing to share those passwords with me…" Owen began, but Tosh and Gwen tackled him before he could finish.

"So…let's continue, shall we?" the Captain grinned. "To all of you; truth or dare? By the way, you will all say dare." He smirked.

"Dare." They replied, three voices coming from the floor behind the table.

"I dare you all to get to work and save the world. Coz that blinking light on your monitors is giving me a headache."

* * *

I really don't know what to do...should the next chapter be the end or should it go longer? Reviews are love!


	8. Malfunctions

Sniff…you guys are great…your reviews make me feel so special…these are tears of joy! I take them seriously…and I act on them. So you shall see next chapter. But for now, some mass chaos is in order. No really, I just made up random stuff. I think it entertains me more than it does other people…but deal. Included are some things that needed to be done, and which I smushed in for the sake of smushing. Teehee!

* * *

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS PINK AND FLUFFLY, STOP THIS TIME MACHINE, YOU HEAR ME HARKNESS?!" Donna screeched as the TARDIS sped through the Vortex, very nearly destroying the south side of the Galaxy of Shimishimi.

"Yeah 'Doctor Jack', aren't you supposed to save the Universe, not incinerate it?" John yelled from his position on the control room ceiling. "Although I hear it's a lovely sight to behold…"

"Can it Hart! Do you guys think you could be a little more supportive, or helpful, or ANYTHING THAT MIGHT SAVE SOL 10!?" Doctor Jack yelled back to his not-friends-at-the-moment, frantically trying to remain standing long enough to figure out why the TARDIS wanted them-and half the Universe-dead.

"Press that button there!"

"This one?"

"No, the purple one in the shape of a trapezoid!"

"That's an oval sweetheart."

"Well, I find it difficult to distinguish shapes when someone is on top of my head!"

"Sorry!"

"Yeah, whatever. Save world now. Make up later!"

"Wait, maybe if I unplug this…"

"Wha-no! Don't touch tha-"

BOOM.

CRASH.

THUD.

STRING OF CURSES NOT YET INVENTED

"Owie...I hate all of you, you know that?" John shouted from beneath several pieces of the columns that formerly surrounded the main controls.

"Now we do." Donna snapped back with a shaky voice.

"Where's Doctor Stupid?" John asked.

"I'm…not sure. He was here a second ago-oh my gosh!" Donna covered her mouth with her hands.

"What, what happened? I can't see anything!" John said irritated by the heap of column. And the lights had gone out. _Lights do tend to help one see. _He mentally slapped himself for thinking stupid things. _Where is that man? _He heard Donna sobbing.

"He's dead! What am I gonna tell the Doctor? 'Sorry, but I've killed one of your best mates'?"

"Donna it's fine."

"No it's not!"

"Yes, trust me, it is."

"How?"

"Just watch."

Doctor Jack Harkness chose to rejoin the living at that moment, but was shooed back to the dead by Donna hitting him with a frying pan.

"Oh look, you've gone and killed him again!" John had heard the gasp and bang, and since his former lover wasn't strangling Donna he concluded the woman had killed him again. See, he could be clever when he wanted. "By the way, what did you hit him with? Sounded like a-"

"Frying pan. And what do you mean I killed him again? A dead body tried to grab me!" Donna was pointing at Doctor Jack, but John obviously could not see the gesture.

"Where did you get a frying pan? Anyway, our dear friend Jack can't die. Thought you knew. He'll be amazingly ticked off at you in a sec, just letting you know." The Time Agent explained while attempting to remember what to do when trapped under rubble. _Wait to be rescued?_

Jack gasped back to life once more, this time nimbly avoiding the frying pan.

"Donna, enough with the hitting! You think I find it fun to be murdered by cook ware? Yeah, think about it." Doctor Jack was, true to John's words, amazingly ticked off at Donna. But at that moment he had other things to do. "So…anyone know where we landed?"

"No." Captain John and Donna replied.

"Wait, where are you Hart?" Jack asked, looking around the mess of the TARDIS, seeking the walking menace to society.

"Under that Time Lord's former column. Does have a fetish for weird coral stuff, doesn't he?" Captain John called from under his personal mountain.

"Um, I'm sure the Doctor mentioned a button specifically labeled to reset or change the desktop if we felt like it…aha!" Doctor Jack triumphed at his find of a button that wouldn't try to kill them.

The button activated, the TARDIS's interior began to change between several styles. When it went back to its coral décor, Doctor Jack pressed the button once more to keep it there. It revealed a captain John sprawled out on the floor, looking very much like a pretzel as far as position.

Getting up groaning, John looked around the TARDIS.

"Well, a certain little girl had a temper tantrum…there there pet, I won't let the mean man touch you again…" he cooed, stroking the TARDIS. He looked remarkably like the Doctor when he did it too.

"Can you stop that sunshine? It's giving me the creeps." Donna said crossing her arms.

"Ah, sorry love." Captain John apologized, although Doctor Jack couldn't figure out if it was Donna or the TARDIS he was talking to.

"So, Mr. Sexy, do you think you can drive her better than I can?" Doctor Jack challenged his ex-wife.

"Yeah, a monkey could drive the TARDIS better than you…Mr. Prick." John retorted, smiling.

"Let's see it then." Donna said sitting in the captain's chair. She really hoped her date was better than Jack.

"Of course, anything for the lovely lady." John answered with a dramatic swish of his hand. He immediately started running around the controls, pressing and pulling buttons and levers at random intervals. Sometimes he would wait a moment, then pull or press something.

"Oh my…he's actually doing it!" Donna gaped at the former Time Agent. "Why can't you do things like that?" she huffed at Doctor Jack.

"Leave me alone…I dunno how he's doing it. Maybe he's cheating?" Doctor Jack huffed back. "He always cheats…"

"I do not! If I recall, you were the one who always cheats at naked hide and seek." John paused his time travelling for a moment to correct Jack's foolish statement.

"Naked…? I don't want to talk about it." Donna put up her hand to stop Jack from defending himself.

"Almost there…yes! We have landed!" John announced.

"Where are we now?" Donna asked.

"According to the screen thingy here…Tortuga? Is that on Earth? Isn't it Spanish or something like that?" Captain John Hart asked a shrugging Doctor Jack and Donna.

"Oh well. Sounds like they might have booze. Let's go." And with that John strolled out of the TARDIS and ran into a slightly smelly completely drunk person.

"Oi, watch it! You knocked off my hat, you." The man picked up his extremely dirty hat. "Show some respect to a Captain."

"Captain? Really? Me too! Oh, and this guy as well." John indicated Jack, who was carefully leading Donna out of the TARDIS.

"Where's your hat then?" the man asked, looking behind John to see whether he was hiding it.

"Oh, no hat. Katana is more my thing." Captain John indicated his sword.

"Katana? You name your sword? Well, whatever makes ya happy lad." The man started to walk past John, vaguely aware of the blue police box.

"I didn't catch your name."

"I didn't give it. But even if I did give it, it wouldn't be of value to me or to you to be giving it, if I did indeed give it. Which I'm not saying I gave or did not give."

"Well that's very rude, if you rudely did not or did give it."

While Captain John and the drunken man were arguing about etiquette, Doctor Jack and Donna had figured out that Tortuga was an island where anything goes. And as John guessed, it was very filled with booze.

Donna and Doctor Jack came up to John after he was satisfied that the drunk would be more polite in the future. They watched the man toddle down the street a little ways before being slapped by two women at the same time.

"Ouch." Donna commented.

"Who was that guy anyway?" Doctor Jack asked. "You seemed to get along."

"Oh yes, we have a lot in common, me and him do." John smirked at Doctor Jack. "Guess what his name was."

"I give up." Doctor Jack spotted a nice looking tavern. "Tell me."

"Captain Jack…" Doctor Jack raised an eyebrow. "…Sparrow."

Donna giggled at the look on the Doctor-for-a-week's face.

* * *

So I hope that was not too random. I just wanted to give them something to do...like a reason to not go back to Cardiff when disaster strikes. I think alcohol is a good reason. anyway, I hope the next chapters go better than this one. Thanks for reading, I hoped you liked it!


	9. Code Mauve Strikes Again

Disaster strikes in Cardiff! Oh no!...like it's never happened before. Heh, enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Only the plot, which is nearly non-existent.

* * *

"Code Mauve?! Who the heck muted the alarm? I want answers!" Gwen yelled, going into Torchwood-mode, a contagious state of being that everyone soon fell victim to.

"Uh, I might have _accidentally _muted it when waving good-bye to Jack…" Owen mumbled. He earned a slap in the back of the head from each member of Torchwood.

"Owen, no one mutes the alarm. Standard Torchwood policy to not let the world fall into chaos, catch my drift? And Code Mauve…I will kill you Owen." Ianto said darkly. Owen had never seen the archivist so homicidal. Not even when he pointed a gun at them did he seem so threatening.

"I agree with Ianto here…because if Code Mauve is what I think it is…" the Captain shot a worried glance at Ianto. "Please tell me it's not?" he begged.

"Sorry Sir, I think it is." He replied.

"What are you talking about exactly? All I know is that Code Mauve is bad. Jack kept making excuses about coffee when I asked him." Gwen looked to Tosh for answers.

"We don't have time to discuss this now…we need to go to where the Rift spike is. Now. Let's just say Gwen, that the last Code Mauve destroyed Torchwood 7."

The Captain and the four Torchwood members ran to the van, Owen being forced to drive by the others. The Captain had one hand on the door handle; the other held his sonic screwdriver. Tosh and Ianto were on the computer monitors, checking and cross referencing data to get a grasp of what they were dealing with. Gwen prepared all the guns, earning a glare from the Captain.

"What do we have Tosh?" Owen asked the technician, looking ahead for the correct road.

"The target is stationary, still in the park. Target still unknown, I've never seen these patterns…" she was obviously frustrated, attempting to figure out why the thing wasn't attacking. Code Mauve always meant possible world doom.

"All cross references with the archives' files are negative." Ianto pitched in.

"All right, I'm in charge, and unlike Jack, I'm not fond of guns. At all. No one shoots. Got that?" The Captain fixed everyone in the car with a look that said 'don't mess with me'.

"Got it." Everyone chanted.

At the park, the team split up, surrounding the target from all sides. Owen was the first to spot it.

"Hey guys, I think I've got it…looks like a canister to me. Approximately 5 inches long…2 inches thick…cylindrical. Sealed on both ends." Owen reported, motioning to the others to come closer.

"Well, looks harmless enough. Miss Sato, can you tell me anymore about it?" the Captain asked.

"Not much Sir…but the outside is an alien ore. Most likely harmless, as you said. The contents are gaseous, but otherwise unknown." Tosh recited from her machine.

"Seeing as this is Code Mauve, I don't think it's a good idea to accidentally open it." Ianto piped up, ever the one for sarcasm.

"Agreed. But does anyone hear that?..." Captain Who cocked his head towards the silver canister.

"Is…is that thing ticking?" Gwen asked, gun pointed at the canister.

"Oh joy…" Owen drawled before both ends of the canister popped off, emitting a vibrant blue gas.

"Everyone get back! Don't breathe it in!" the Captain yelled, quickly walking backwards while pointing a buzzing sonic screwdriver at the canister.

"What are you doing?!" Tosh yelled from her position with the rest of the team, further back. "You're too close!"

"I'm trying to reach a frequency that'll end its release sequence! I can't be farther away than this!" the Captain called back, trying to avoid the ever spreading gas.

"Not to be the bringer of morbid news, but the gas is dissipating outwards. I'm detecting it in a radius that doesn't quite reach the edge of this clearing. We all may have already breathed some in. It becomes harder to see the more it loses density, but we may have breathed enough of it. " Tosh said quickly, looking between the gas and the Time Lord.

"At least we're the only ones who have, right Tosh? Please tell me there's no one hiding in the bushes?" Owen said shakily, watching the canister close itself back up and the gases vanish.

"No, it's OK, we're the only life forms here. The surge even scared away the wild life." Tosh replied.

The Captain scowled at the canister. He picked it up and shoved it angrily into his pocket.

"How large is the radius Tosh?" Ianto asked slowly.

"Not big. The gas is dissipating very quickly; in a minute, there won't be enough to do much. I've checked. We're the only ones possibly affected." Tosh sighed.

The Captain did a sudden about-face. He went from frowning at the canister to smiling brightly at his team-for-a-week.

"Let's get back to the Hub then. We need to analyze this and ourselves. Best not drop dead in public! Alons-y!" Captain Who cheerily hopped into the van.

The rest of the team worriedly followed.

* * *

Dun dun dun! What effect will the gas have on our heroes? Find out...in the chapter after the next! Anyway, I notice that the Doctor may seem a bit OOC simply because we rarely ever see the guy chill. So now that they're all in danger, I hope that he seems more Doctor-ish. Tell me how I did?


	10. To John's Rescue

So here it is! The latest of Doctor Jack and Donna...I'm sorry for the delay; I had to rewrite it a few times and watch The Parting of Ways to finish it. This set up should last a few chapters, hopefully.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the copyrighted material. Only the scenario.

* * *

"John, what did we talk about?" Doctor Jack asked the sad looking Time Agent.

John immediately went from sad to angry, and spat, "I know you dumped me! You don't have to bloody rub it in my face! Gosh, what's wrong with you?!"

Doctor Jack stared at the sobbing John nonplussed. "Uh, no. I wasn't talking about that. I meant the conversation about not touching random machines on the TARDIS."

"Well, too bad. I already did." He sniffed.

"And this particular machine does what?" Jack asked worried.

"Something about creating the perfect pet? I got bored. This thing takes a scan of your hand and then creates the person's perfect pet." Captain John sighed, back to his former depressed state.

"Then where is it?" Doctor Jack asked.

"Here." John passed Doctor Jack a small box.

"It's…a box full of…ashes." Jack said while searching the box for further life.

"Why do you think I'm sad?" John slapped the Doctor-for-a-week and stormed through the TARDIS doors outside, which at the moment was a planet unknown.

"You figure we should stop him?" Doctor Jack called over his shoulder to Donna. Man, that guy can slap hard….

"Probably. Seems like the Doctor would." the Companion sighed. She had spent the last hour comforting John after his loss, and was growing bored of sitting still in the TARDIS.

"Er, actually, I honestly don't feel like it." He replied, sitting on the captain's chair. Why did he have to save John at this very moment? They were in a time machine. If they missed something, they could go right back. Plus, the hangover he had was really, really not helping.

"NO! I've had it. You lot spent a whole night getting drunk with pirates, now play time is over. Out you go!" Donna announced, shoving Jack towards the TARDIS doors.

"Noooooo! You can't make me…" he cried, flailing his arms to no avail.

Donna hauled Doctor Jack out of the doors, and plunked him down on the stone floor of wherever they were.

Doctor Jack got up and decided he might as well save his ex-wife while he was up. Maybe if it killed him, the hangover would go away. So he and Donna set out in search of Captain John, through the stone passageways they found themselves in.

"Why can't we ever all get lost in a cozy place? Looks like all I do these days is run away from aliens in depressing places…" Donna huffed. She had to remember to speak to the Doctor about this. No more life threatening situations for at least a week.

"Well, look at the bright side! No aliens or John…and after this brisk stroll we can eat cake without shame!" Doctor Jack chattered away, enjoying this adventure far too much for Donna's tastes.

"Whatever…wait, what's that up ahead?" Donna pointed to a glow coming from the turn in the passage.

"Um, an ice cream truck?" Doctor Jack guessed half-heartedly. His slowly fading smile froze in an 'o' of shock as the glowing thing turned the corner.

"IDENTIFY!" it shrilled in a familiar robotic voice...

* * *

Virtual cookies for all that know what it is! Anyway, I need a vote. Bring Captain Jack Sparrow back or not? I can do it which ever way you think best. Hope this chapter was ok!


	11. Prank

There was some confusion as to why the "mysterious creature" (yes I know it was pretty obvious) was glowing. Well it wasn't. They don't know what it is at the time; all jack and Donna know is that it's producing some sort of light. Hence the glow. Looking back that wasn't well explained. Oh well. Now you know. Sorry if that confused people.

Now back to the Cardiff team, recently exposed to alien gas…

Disclaimer: I don't own anything…which is why there is still Jack/Gwen in the world. ARGH.

* * *

The Torchwood team was in a frenzy. With Owen again driving at ridiculous speeds towards the Hub, everyone was doing personal check-ups to make sure they weren't turning funny colors of dying. Tosh couldn't really do much with her computers; this was Owen's line of work. So the minute the van was parked they all dashed to the medical bay.

"Alright…let's run the standard tests on everyone…who wants to go first? You'll do." Owen ranted as he grabbed Ianto by the back of his collar. "Tosh, while you wait you might want to get a better look at the remaining gas. It'll help me know what I'm looking for."

"Already started. Most of the compounds I've found already are completely alien, and I have no idea what they do. Captain? Help?" Tosh was scrolling down the ingredients of the gas, looking at the Captain hopefully.

"Of course I'll help! What type of guy do you take me for?" The Captain practically bounced over to Tosh's computer, using his sonic screwdriver to scroll through the list at lightning speeds. "This is brilliant!" he cried after a few moments.

"Are we safe?" Ianto asked almost pleadingly from the medical table, currently having about 10 samples of blood taken.

"Well, uh, it all depends how you define safe…" the Time Lord replied with a weak smile.

"OK, just answer me this; what is that gas and what does it do?" Gwen asked, looking worried.

"Well, this is a prank gas from one of the Glacial Islands of Jeek…that transforms the pranked into 2 different creatures before running out of the person's system…" the alien explained.

"You mean, any moment now, without warning, we will turn into a random alien or animal?" Owen clarified for himself.

"What! You mean I'm going to be slimy? Or a dog?" Tosh panicked. "I don't want to be a Weevil!"

"It's alright Tosh…" Owen awkwardly put an arm around the technician.

"Yes, nothing to fear! On Gallifrey, children of 4 play with these transformation toys!" The Captain shouted happily. "You know they turned me into a squid once?"

"But I don't want to be a squid!" Tosh cried.

"So there's no antidote? How long does it last?" Gwen asked.

"That's the brilliant thing about it! The combinations of elements' opposites explode when together. So no, an antidote would probably kill humans. Speaking of which, the gas wasn't planned for humans…so it should last longer for your species…I'd say two days, one transformation per day." The Captain pondered the situation. "Also, you should stay in the Hub. Just saying."

"Great…when does it start?" Ianto asked.

"Um, we have maybe, an hour? Most likely less." Captain Who replied.

"I'm running to the shop for beer then." Owen declared while getting his coat on and leaving the Hub.

"I'll follow him to get actual necessities…" Ianto sighed running after the doctor.

"Um, I'll prepare several sizes of clothes…you never know. Might become a midget or a giant." Tosh smiled weakly as she went downstairs for some weevil suits.

"I'm going to call Rhys…" Gwen scampered off.

"Well, I feel useless." The Captain said simply sitting down Indian style on the floor.

When everyone was back from their duties, they gathered around the Captain in the center of the Hub. The Time Lord got up and locked the Hub just in time for s searing pain to go through him. He clutched at his middle in agony and collapsed on the floor, vaguely aware of everyone around him doing the same.

That's odd…the Captain thought as he lost consciousness.

When the team woke up, they each blinked sleepily and looked around confused.

Ianto was the first to ask, "So, who's who and what am I?"

* * *

So what should they turn into? I need suggestions. remember, it can be anything in the Torchwood/Doctor Who world. That's a lot. Please?

But next chapter, find out what the glowing thing does with Doctor Jack and Donna!


	12. Dalek Rave

Yoohoo everyone! First off, I'd like to thank all who reviewed! They make me feel all fuzzy inside. And a thanks to the people who put this fic on alert. Trust me, it all makes this get written sooner. But the serious part of the story is pretty much over. As you will see...

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Honest.

* * *

"IDENTIFY!" it shrilled in a familiar robotic voice.

"No way…" Doctor Jack whispered. He was pale as a sheet, and Donna was clueless as to why.

All she saw was a robot who looked like a pepper pot, with a whisk and plunger for arms, as well as a small eyestalk thing. All around non-threatening. So why was the infamous Captain Jack Harkness scared of it?

"What is it? Or…him or her…" Donna trailed off, not wanting to offend the robot. Just in case.

The robot swiveled its eyestalk towards Donna.

"YOU WILL IDENTIFY!" it repeated.

"Hey, chill mate. I'm Donna Noble, and this is Doctor Jack." She said despite Doctor Jack's frantic motioning to stop.

"WE ARE THE DALEKS. YOU WILL FOLLOW. YOU WILL BE MADE USEFUL." The robot said in its mechanical screech.

"Alright Donna, do everything it says. Don't give it any reason to be upset with you." Doctor Jack whispered.

"Why? Looks like a bunch of jumbled kitchen appliances to me." Donna said.

"Wha- Because that's a Dalek. They live to kill. We'll have to get out of here as fast as possible, John or not." Jack whispered back in his serious voice.

The Dalek led them down more passages, all as stony and cold as the last. Donna and Jack followed close behind, wondering how they were ever going to find the TARDIS again.

Soon they came to a metal door, and to the surprise of the time travelers, they could see multicolored lights coming from beneath the door, as well as hear fast-paced techno music coming from the room ahead.

What Doctor Jack wasn't thinking of seeing when the Dalek opened the door was what could only be described as a Dalek Rave.

There were Daleks everywhere, performing their equivalent of head banging. They all seemed to be high off of…whatever it was robots get high on. There was even a mini bar in the corner.

Which was where Donna and Doctor Jack saw Captain John in a waitress outfit serving the Daleks shots.

"So, these are your killer robots then?" Donna asked Jack mockingly as the Dalek herded them over to the bar.

"There must be a catch…this is not normal." Doctor Jack sniggered watching the Daleks dance.

"DO NOT LAUGH, HUMAN! YOU SHOULD BE HONORED TO BE AT OUR GATHERING!" the Dalek said as it poked Donna with its whisk.

"So, you do this a lot then?" Donna asked, while attempting to stop the poking.

"CORRECT." It replied.

"Uh, not that this isn't great, but what exactly are you planning here? There's a plan, right? You must have a reason for the…dance club." Doctor Jack said trying to understand the odd behavior.

"WHY SHOULD THERE BE A PLAN?" The Dalek demanded.

"Because that's what Daleks do! You know, flying around space shouting exterminate?" Doctor Jack yelled at the nonplussed Dalek.

"THAT WAS BORING. THIS IS MORE AMUSING." The Dalek said.

"But, but…" Jack sputtered.

"It's alright Jack. I think you can calm down. You must have mistaken these robots for others. I quite like their style." Donna chatted away.

"No! It's a trick! Ha, can't fool me Dalek!" Doctor Jack shouted jumping behind the bar with John, who turned around in time to get kicked in the face by a jumping Jack. (lol)

"Ow! What is bloody wrong with you?!" John snapped.

"C'mon, you've been here a bit longer than us; what's their evil plan?" Jack asked. Giving John another look-over, he added, "Nice outfit."

"Evil plan? Nah, they just hired me to be the barmaid. Very specific about the maid part. But between the shots of whatever this stuff is and the funny powder over there, I'd say they're pretty stoned." John explained, ignoring the outfit comment.

"See? Just an alien rave. No worries." Donna said sitting on a barstool. Which was weird because Daleks can't use stools.

"Are they paying you?" Doctor Jack asked Captain John incredulously.

"No. I was using the term 'hired' very loosely. Anyway, look who I found!" he exclaimed happily. He pulled over a man in a waiter suit from the other end of the bar.

The man was no other than Captain Jack Sparrow.

"How the heck did you get here?!" Donna and Jack both yelped.

"I might have stowed away on your ship whilst you were occupied…" he responded with a shrug.

"This guy is amazing." Captain John translated.

"Right then." Donna said, "Are we in a hurry to leave or not?"

"NO. YOU SHALL ASSIST THE GATHERING. PUT THESE ON." The Dalek had come back from a conversation with a group on the other end of the room. It had with it a trolley with bunny outfits in it.

"NO! I draw the line here! Bunny-Jack is reserved for Ianto only! Oh gosh…was that out loud?" Jack's face went blank before he continued. "Run!"

He then grabbed Donna, John, and the other Jack and pelted to the exit. The Daleks were too out of it to put up much of a fight.

"DESIST! RETURN! OBEY!...PLEASE?!" the Dalek that led them to the rave stopped in the door frame.

Another Dalek come over to it and had only one comment; "LOSERS."

"AGREED."

Back at the TARDIS, the humans all collapsed on the grating. They'd run all the way through the maze and were exhausted.

"I still don't get what was up with them." Doctor Jack huffed.

"Me neither. But it was preferred to the regular killing." John admitted.

"I have no idear what on Earth you're on about, but I liked them." Jack Sparrow said standing up.

"Meh. They were OK." Donna sighed. She didn't bother to get up.

Unknown to the occupants of the TARDIS, the Dalek that led them to the room had snuck back to the TARDIS with sticky notes.

They read as follows:

_losers._

_punks._

_you did not even let us introduce ourselves._

_how rude._

The last one was expected.

_EXTERMINATE!_

* * *

Mwahaha! I love having Jack H. all embarrassed...heehee. And I like sticky notes as well. But yeah, a Dalek Rave would be sweet. I'd totally go. Thanks for reading!

Next time, see the new Torchwood team!


	13. ToshandSeek

Alright, so after reading some comments from some wonderfully helpful people (you know who you are) and just thinking about it, this is the result. Yipee! So, hope you all like what everyone turned into...

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it!

* * *

"Wait, who said that?" asked the blue spectral-looking alien lady. She was vaguely aware that she had no legs.

"It's me, Ianto!" snapped back the small, red, fuzzy cat-like creature. He had the sudden urge to shake so as to fluff his fur. So he did.

"Aww, you're so cute Ianto! Oh, sorry love, I'm Gwen." said the blue lady who was using all of her power to not cuddle Ianto.

A big weevil in the corner sniggered.

"Owen, is that you?" laughed Ianto.

"Shut up." Owen the Weevil shot back at the fluffy Ianto, trying really hard to glare but failing in the face of Ianto's cuteness.

"Guess you really are the Weevil King." A voice chuckled ominously from under the desk.

"…Captain?" ventured Gwen.

"Correct. Well, this is entertaining. I'm a Vash-Narada!" the Captain shouted with glee from the under-desk.

"A what now?" Owen interrupted. The Weevil-Owen shuffled over to the fridge and took out a beer.

"The Vash-Narada. Piranhas of the air. They're invisible creatures that live in shadow. I'm afraid that light is fatal to them…" The Time Lord turned piranha trailed off.

"Oh. I'll get the lights then." Fuzzy-Ianto bounced over to the light switches only to find he wasn't tall enough to get them. "Hey Weevil-King, help?"

"Fair enough." Sighed Owen.

"Wait, where's Toshiko?" asked the Captain.

"Oh no! What if she turned into something tiny and I stepped on her?!" Gwen cried, floating around frantically.

"Gwen, you're a ghost alien. You can't have stepped on her. And besides-what the heck is she?" Owen stopped mid-sentence and turned to the Captain's position under the desk.

"Um, wait for it…yes! Oh, the irony. She's a Gelth. The ironic part is that me, Rose, and Charles Dickens had to stop them from coming through the Rift here in Cardiff once upon a time. Ended up that a girl named Gwyneth saved the world. Looked a lot like you, by the way. Anyway, they never took corporeal form on this plane, so the gas only had the ghost's pattern…" The Captain explained.

"Right…well, now we need to find Tosh." Owen said.

"I think I found her!" Ianto practically squeaked from Tosh's desk.

"Where?" Gwen asked, floating over. She looked all over but all she saw was a snail.

"…the snail, Gwen." Ianto said, while poking said snail.

The presumed Tosh-snail started leaking.

"Oh, crud you broke Tosh!" Owen shouted.

"I can't see!" yelled the Captain from under Gwen's desk.

"I didn't mean to! I'm sorry Tosh!" Ianto cried. Crying Fuzzy-Ianto was the most adorable thing anyone in the Hub ever saw.

"AWWWW...It's OK, Ianto, I'm sure Tosh is fine…" Gwen cooed and tried to hug him but went through him instead. "I wanna hug you so badly…" she sighed pouting.

"Gwen, the snail is very NOT OK. I may not be a vet, but I am a doctor." Owen regarded the Tosh-snail with worry. "Why is she leaking? It's just water…right?"

"Turn out the lights and I can see what the problem is…you may be a doctor but I am THE DOCTOR." The Captain said from his hiding place.

"That was very impressive sir." Ianto mewled.

"ARRGH! Why are you so cute?!" screamed Gwen attempting to punch the wall but obviously failing.

"Yah, Captain, what type of alien is that fluffy?" Weevil-Owen asked while finally turning the lights out. He was on his third beer.

"Ah thanks very much; more room for pacing. Or flying. Whatever. What did you want? Ianto? Oh, I thought you knew. Funny thing. Are you familiar with the Japanese-based Pokémon Flareon?" The invisible Captain asked.

"Wait, that little kids' show? Are you serious?" Owen laughed. "Tea-boy is never living this down."

Gwen and the Captain chuckled as well and Ianto could've sworn the snail was laughing too.

"That's great coming from the Weevil-King. Why don't you go serenade Janet? You speak the same language now." Ianto retorted, trying very hard to look menacing.

"Why don't you go rape Pikachu?" Owen growled back. He was trying very hard to not eat Fluffy-Ianto.

"You are disgusting." Ianto said with his patented blank stare.

"…As disturbing as this is, can we please get back to Tosh?" Gwen nervously piped up.

"Excellent idea Miss Cooper. While you two were bickering, I managed to find out what was wrong." The Captain's voice sounded from next to the Tosh-snail. "Er, she's crying."

"Why are you crying sweetheart?" Gwen asked snail-Tosh.

"I believe she said something about being slimy before we changed?" The Vash-Narada Captain pointed out.

"Oh no! Tosh hates slimy things…no wonder she's crying. I'm sorry you're a snail Tosh." Owen apologized to the still figure.

The only response was the Tosh-snail retreating into her shell.

"Why can the rest of us understand each other, but not Tosh?" Ianto asked.

"Good question! Well, the TARDIS translates any foreign language into your native tongue. That's why Gwen isn't making strange wailing/ghost noises, Owen's not roaring/growling, I'm not making odd chittering sounds, and you're not repeating your name in an annoying manner. Unfortunately, snails just don't talk. Nothing we can fix I guess." The Captain said and shrugged. Only to find he lacked shoulders. Curses.

"So what now?" Gwen asked.

"Enjoy being not-human! Plenty of fun to be had…this is prank gas, not death-inducing gas. So come on! Shift! And open the fridge, I'm starving." The Captain bared his tiny pointy teeth and began the attack on the food.

"Sounds good to me." Owen agreed, beginning a battle for the chips with their tiny invisible Captain-for-a-week.

"No pride. None at all." Ianto sighed from his position next to the Tosh-snail. She came out again because she had some lettuce.

"Not fair! I wanna food fight...!" Gwen screamed as she accidentally fell through her chair into the basement, never to be seen again…

….as a Gelth, anyway.

* * *

So how did it go? I don't know if it was that great this time. Dunno. Maybe I'm just sleepy. But one more round of transformations! And what do we have in store for Doctor Jack, Captain Jack, Captain John, and Donna? (lotta captains...)

By the way, as you probably figured out, I made up the spelling of Vash-Narada. How DO you spell that?


	14. Team TARDIS Remeniscing

So I was thinking, and I figure the week is almost up. So we have to start thinking about the bet...most importantly the dreaded consequences! Muwahaha! Yeah, ideas are running low, so sorry that this has taken forever. This chapter isn't very long either. Hmph. Sorry. Again.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this story. Deal.

* * *

The TARDIS crew was gathered around the console, discussing how their last day of the bet should go.

"Well, I think, since this bet technically only affects me, you and the other Jack should go home. Y'know, so the Doctor thinks I haven't been screwing up time lines." Doctor Jack said in John's direction.

"No way am I going back where you found me! I'm staying with you guys." Captain John declared. Policy required he only have two death sentences a week.

"…That's Captain Jack to you. And I don't fancy being eaten by the Beastie, so I'm gonna stay with John." Captain Sparrow added.

"That makes me feel all special." Captain Hart said.

"Glad it does mate." Jack S. replied. "Just keep your mits off me." Jack knew what went on in his friend's head. Call it pirate intuition.

"Interrupting the friendship moment; you two can't come to Cardiff." Doctor Jack rebuked.

"Why not? Just drop them off somewhere they won't get into trouble before giving the Doctor back the TARDIS. He doesn't need to know." Donna pondered out loud.

"Yeah, what she said." John agreed. He knew that woman was smart. Speaking of which, was the date still on?...

"Fine…" Doctor Jack sighed. "I'll deal with you after the Doctor leaves."

"Speaking of the Doctor, is he going to win the bet?" Donna asked.

"Um…I honestly don't know. The deal was whoever does better at the other's job wins." Jack answered the red-head.

"So he won." Donna deadpanned.

"Says who?!" yelled Doctor Jack, very offended.

"Says us." Donna, Jack S., and John.

"But, but why? Have a little faith, will you?" Doctor Jack whimpered. He DID NOT want to lose this bet.

"For starters, you almost assassinated the King of the Blob world." Started John.

"But succeeded in destroying his house anyway." Donna continued.

"But that was an accident!" Doctor Jack interrupted, flailing his arms above his head for emphasis.

"No buts! Then you almost killed us all in the TARDIS. Which might have ended the Universe."

"Then you let me and Jack get captured by bloody dancing Daleks!" John pointed out.

"And not that I particularly care, but you did break some laws taking me away from my time." Captain Jack S. said halfheartedly.

"That doesn't sound very good, does it?" Doctor Jack admitted.

"So better pay up on the bet sunshine!" Donna shouted, victorious on proving her point.

Doctor Jack's eyes widened. The BET. THE BET. He never imagined he'd do so badly…and he had the advantage! Jack had travelled in the TARDIS before, while the Doctor never worked for Torchwood 3. 'This is sad', he thought to himself. But more importantly, he would have to go through with the conditions. Why was he so drunk that night?! Curse all alcohol! Wait, no. I love alcohol. Curse alcohol-induced madness! Yes, that would do.

"What does the loser have to do anyway?" John asked.

"Yeah, you and the Doctor never told us." Donna said.

"Things I do not wish to speak about…I have to go…figure out a way to word this past week in a heroic fashion…" Doctor Jack muttered walking away down one of the TARDIS's many halls.

"Wow. That bad?" John whispered. On the outside he wore an appropriate somber expression, but on the inside he couldn't wait to see what would befall his ex. 'Show Harkness to dump me!' he thought.

"You know you mates make no sense at all, right?" Captain Sparrow asked sarcastically. He twiddled with his compass.

"So we've been told…" Donna mumbled.

* * *

You know it's true. If you give a summary of any given episode of Doctor Who or Torchwood to someone who never watched the show, they're gonna give you this look like "were you sniffing markers again?". Think about it. Although whether or not I WAS actually sniffing markers is not to be disclosed...


	15. Captain's Last Play Day

Yeah, for this part of the transformations, I tried to make them act more like the creature they turned into. Except Gwen, because I just couldn't resist some things happening with her...but yes. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own any material below. Darn.

* * *

The Torchwood Crew was gathered around the conference table, discussing how their last day of the bet should go.

"Well, this week has been…fantastic! I'd say we should go celebrate with ice cream, but obviously, unless we all wear large coats, there will be complications." Captain Who said smiling happily to himself.

Around the table were gathered: a Raxacoricofallapatorian, a Vampire, a Mime, a mouse, and a Faerie.

"I see your point." Ianto the Vampire agreed. "I cringe to think what would happen if Gwen stepped outside…" he chuckled darkly.

"Stop making fun of me!" Gwen the Raxacoricofallapatorian shouted, giving Ianto a death glare.

"Well we're all better off than poor Tosh. No offense." Owen the mouse squeaked.

Tosh still couldn't talk. She was an alien from the Mime planet. They had no mouths. So she settled for pouting as taking offense. She was also about ready to pull her hair out in frustration. She hadn't said a word in 2 days now!

"Don't listen to Owen, Tosh; he's just embarrassed of being a mouse while you could be a supermodel." Gwen consoled the Japanese woman.

While having no mouths, the Mime people were overall very attractive.

Actually, Owen's mind was more like, 'Tosh…pretty…sexy…dangit…bloody mouse…" but all everyone saw was a silent staring mouse. You see, he was mind-drooling.

Tosh nodded her thanks to Gwen while smirking at Owen.

"Anyway, what do you want to do? I mean, we spent yesterday taking care of Snail-Tosh and looking for Gwen in the basement." Captain Who the Faerie said in a tiny voice.

"Um, could I get anyone a coffee?" Ianto asked, lost for ideas.

"Oh, tea please!" Captain Who squeaked.

"Thank you Ianto. Oh, wait, can we have coffee?" Gwen asked the Captain.

"Uh, as far as I know…except Owen. I gave a box of mice coffee once, oh goodness. Never do it." Captain Who warned with wide eyes.

"What? No coffee? I'll die of lack of caffeine!" Owen screamed while running around in panic circles.

"Don't worry Owen; I'm sure I have some milk for you. If you stop making me dizzy I might spike it with some coffee." Ianto bribed the excited Owen-mouse.

The running stopped immediately.

"Thank you." The archivist sighed gratefully.

At the coffee machine, Ianto was having a problem. The coffee smell…no, the coffee in general was causing him very much pain. Vampires must be allergic. Who knew?

So he quickly made the coffee and tea, and then whooshed to the conference room and excused himself (politely, of course) before running back to the kitchen sink to be upsettingly sick. This was not his day.

Up in the conference room, there were several confused people.

"What's wrong with Ianto? Stupid tea-boy forgot my milk. That kid is so OCD, I'm surprised he can do that." Owen grumbled.

Tosh looked through the conference room windows worriedly.

"I'm sure he's fine Tosh. Unless vampires are allergic to coffee. How funny would that be?" Captain Who laughed, bemused. It sounded high-pitched and evil to everyone else though. Oh the unknown irony.

"You mean you don't know if one of us is allergic at all? No clue?" Gwen asked, amazed that there was something the Time Lord-faerie didn't know.

After a few moments, the Captain suddenly yelled, "Raxacoricofallapatorians are allergic to vinegar and pickles!"

"Wow, he said it twice." Owen whispered to Gwen from a position on her shoulder.

"EEEEK MOUSE! GET OFF GET OFF!" Gwen squealed in a voice that should never come from a Raxacoricofallapatorian.

"AH, STOP SHAKING ME!!" Owen cried, holding on to Gwen's rather large shoulder for dear life.

"Miss Cooper, please refrain from the jumping; you're shaking the Tower." Captain Who meekly pointed out.

Gwen stopped trying to kill Owen. "Oh. cough Alright." The former police officer went from green to red.

"About time." Owen sighed tiredly.

Downstairs, Tosh had gone looking for her vampiric friend. She found the poor archivist leaning over the sink looking paler than the normal shade of white Vampires normally sport. Impressive.

Tosh slowly came up and patted Ianto on the shoulder.

He looked up and smiled weakly, then made a sign for her to wait a second. The retching went on for a second round before washing his mouth and straightening his suit.

"Thank you for the emotional support, Tosh." Ianto said.

Once again at the conference table, Captain Who was determined to come up with something to do.

"I _really_ want ice cream." The Faerie whined. He sat pouting on top of Ianto's head.

"I vote for dressing Ianto up and making him get it." Owen immediately said raising his paw.

"Please Ianto? Just tell the salesman you're albino. And have an allergy to the sun." Gwen pleaded. "I'll be your best friend?"

"Maybe it's my need for ice cream that's clouding my judgment, but I think that's a good idea! So what if a few people lose a few quarts of blood on the way? Bound to happen sooner or later." Captain Who declared.

"Sir, is the natural lust for human blood that bad? Or do you enjoy watching me squirm?" Ianto asked.

"Both." The Faerie replied nonchalantly.

Tosh tapped Ianto on the shoulder and pointed to him and her in turn, and imitated walking with her fingers.

"Thanks for the offer Tosh. We'll just get you a scarf to put over…your not-mouth." Ianto said smiling.

Owen automatically went into possessive mode.

"I'm coming too then." He stated.

"Lovely Owen. An albino, a mouthless supermodel, and a mouse aren't going to stand out at all…" Gwen laughed.

"Shut up. I do what I want." He shot back.

"No, you do what I want. Because I plan to use my last day as boss well. Owen, you will monitor them and call me if they have problems getting the ice cream." The Captain corrected.

"Gwen, check the Rift monitors and see if you can see Jack getting back with my TARDIS. I have a genius plan for his welcome home party…where I will announce my undisputed victory." The tiny, slightly evil, manic Faerie continued, putting his fingers together in an evil plotting pose.

"Yes Sir." Both Gwen and Owen mumbled while leaving.

"We'll be back then." Ianto said as he left with Mime-Tosh.

"Excellent…" Captain Who giggled. The Time Lord part of his mind told him he was being childish, but the childish Faerie side just ignored it.

Ice cream was no time for messing around.

* * *

I love tiny evil Doctor. It's fun. Because the Doctor needs to loosen up a bit I think. Especially after the 4th season finale. Ooof. That was heavy duty stuff there. But there's one more chapter left! YAY COMPLETION! I just feel accomplished, y'know? Thanks for reading!

Look forward to the terms of the bet and surprises from our resident Faerie Doctor!


	16. Coming to a Close Part 1

Did I say this was the last chapter?...I lied. I got really excited and so it got too long to be one chapter. This is a prelude to everyone meeting back at the Hub. Anyway, I have a present for Lyra the BadWolf in here too. Hehe, I don't write this kinda stuff often...hope it meets standards. It might get better later. MAYBE.

Disclaimer: If I owned this stuff, I'd be famous. No one here knows my name. Thus the answer is revealed.

* * *

"Alright people, we're preparing to land this TARDIS! Hold on to something sturdy. Or pretty. Either one will do!" Captain John yelled over the TARDIS intercom. He had a massive hangover from the Last-Day Party they had last night. TARDIS sure does know how to throw a party. But now said hangover was affecting his driving. Still better than sulking-Jack's though.

He and Jack S. were piloting the TARDIS towards Cardiff while Jack H. continued sulking and Donna took a shower.

"This is just like the time I had too much rum before sailing quickly away from the East India Trading Company…" Captain Jack S. said fondly while holding on to the railing with a death grip.

"Yeah? What happened?" John asked.

"I ran over the top of some coral. It was the bumpiest thing I've ever sailed on in my life. Bloody thing messed up my ship though."

"Then I guess it's a good thing there are no corals here…GAH!" John cried as the TARDIS rumbled and a horrible grating sound spread across the ship.

"This tiny wall here tells me we've hit a space reef!" Captain Sparrow shouted, pointing at the console's screen.

When John managed to drag himself over to see, he laughed. "We did hit a reef! Ha, this is brilliant!" he giggled manically. He had a dangerous look in his eye as he gleefully watched the TARDIS plummet further into some alien ocean. In his love of destruction, he failed to realize the impact would no doubt cause all their deaths.

'Cue the Psychotic-John…' thought Jack. He had to snap his friend out of it before they all died though. He didn't break laws to have it backfire. He broke laws and got away with it. Because he was Captain Jack-

He was cut off as a particularly nasty bump sent him tumbling off the platform surrounding the console and into a hat stand. 'NO ONE wears a hat here. 'Why am I crashing into a hat stand?!' Jack thought as he got up.

John was still looking at the screen in a demented child-like anticipation. The man had a balance to be envied.

"You better love me for this…" Captain Jack Sparrow muttered darkly as he carefully approached John with the only thing to snap him out of it in mind.

Mustering all his dignity, he walked up to the Time Agent, spun him around, and crushed John's lips to his in the fashion of one of the most dramatic kiss scenes ever written.

* * *

"Plan ready?" the Faerie Doctor cackled as he flew around the Hub.

"Yes Sir, the boomerang and trampoline are ready…" Gwen replied, shaking her head. This was insane. _Why_ the Hub had a trampoline or a rather large boomerang was beyond her, and for the record, whatever alien she was-name was too long to remember-obviously didn't do a lot of manual labor. Claws were not for transporting things.

Ianto and Tosh weren't back either. So all she had to do was listen to the incessant chatter going on between Owen and the Doctor about how best to execute the plan and make her do all the setting up.

Jack could not back soon enough. Just a few more hours…

But she hoped Ianto and Tosh were alright.

As it was, Ianto and Tosh were having a difficult time. Every time Ianto approached the ice cream shop, he would turn a shade of green and have to leave. Tosh couldn't so the ordering by herself either. The running back and forth between the ice cream shop and the nearby park trashcan was attracting a lot of stares.

Finally, Ianto decided that enough was enough. "STOP!" he yelled as Tosh turned to try to go towards the shop again. A few passerbies turned to watch what was happening. "This is going nowhere Tosh! We desperately need a new plan. I obviously cannot go inside and you cannot ask for the ice cream. Therefore, we either need a third party or another plan…I will not embarrass myself any further today, so we're staying put until I fix our problem." He said very rapidly while shooting anyone who dared open their mouths to help or ask what was happening a glare that sent them scurrying away. It even scared Tosh some.

She patted Ianto on the shoulder to calm him down.

Suddenly he straightened up, saying with a controlled expression, "Sorry Tosh. cough That was out of line. Hmm. Anyway, I've got a solution. Here." He took a piece of paper out of his pocket, and hurriedly scribbled something on it. Confused, Tosh took the paper.

On it was a letter to the ice cream vendor with all the orders of ice cream the Doctor demanded.

Tosh gave Ianto a thumbs up, and went into the shop.

'I feel stupid…' Ianto thought as he waited for Tosh to return. He scuffed his shoe against the curb. 'Shoot…'

* * *

Back in the TARDIS, all the lights were flashing red alerts and the noise was making Jack's ears bleed. Literally. He didn't know what was going on, but he was desperately lost in the halls of the TARDIS. 'Why oh why did I leave John alone with the controls to a time machine?' he thought over and over again.

Donna, in the shower, quickly got out but then realized the TARDIS moved her clothes. Hoping nothing life-threatening was happening yet, she tottered back to her room.

But at the console, Captain Jack Sparrow pulled away from John and spun him back around, shouting, "Now save the ocean you bugger!"

Too stunned to argue, John stopped the TARDIS and continued his tinkering of the controls until the sirens and lights stopped and the TARDIS crew found themselves back in Cardiff, near the Plaas.

Turning back towards the pirate, John said "Woah mate…I knew it! I knew you fancied me!" he did a little happy dance.

"I do not!" Jack S. muttered stubbornly.

"Do too! Look, I'm the King of kissing people without meaning it; you sir are not." John said grinning broadly.

"Speak of it to no one." The Captain mumbled. He did fancy his new friend, but it's not like he could just let John win.

Just then Jack and Donna walked in to find a blushing pirate captain and a happy John.

John leapt from the platform and pointed at Jack H.

"HA! I just got snogged and you didn't!" he cackled.

He was going to say something more but Jack S. swiftly cut him off via the clever use of a frying pan.

"Why is this here?" he wondered out loud, inspecting his new weapon as John slumped to the floor, unconscious.

Jack H. slumped over too. In fits of laughter.

Donna sighed as she looked over at Jack S. "You've got your work cut out for you, sunshine."

"I do don't I?" he admitted happily, promptly taking down other Jack with the Pan of Death as well.

* * *

YES! FRYING PAN PWNAGE! And OCD Ianto. Could you imagine, if he woke up one morning to find all his suits replaced with t-shirts and junk? thunder and ominous music

Is it obvious I'm jittery? hope you liked it.


	17. Coming to a Close Part 2

I'm so honored!...so many nice reviews! Yeah, unfortunately, I don't think any chapters after the previous will look good in comparison. But I've tried! I also realized that I suck at ending things. So there will be an epilogue. In it, I hope to have much hugging. But more on that later. Have fun reading this ridiculously long chapter!

Disclaimer:I still don't own any of this. which is sad.

* * *

At Tosh's computer, all of the Torchwood crew was huddled around the still-tiny Doctor.

The Doctor looked around him with an evilly happy grin.

Tosh and Ianto had gotten back a few moments earlier with precisely 50 tubs of ice cream, and found a bowl large enough to be a swimming pool to put it in. This would be excellent.

By now, all the team was exhausted from the plotting, but they were happily waiting for the Doctor to explain the final phase of the plan.

"Ok, everything is set! Once Jack and Donna get back, Jack will undoubtedly enter first, so the trap was set specifically for him. When the TARDIS shows up on the CCTV feed, we need to be hidden. Then when they walk in, we will jump out, causing them to step back and trigger the string mechanism-ahh, here they come! Wait and see for yourselves the brilliancy of my master plan!" the tiny Doctor whispered, and at once the team hid behind the desk. Gwen had difficulty doing this, but managed anyway.

"Hello?" they heard Jack call when the cog door opened and the alarms sounded.

"Doctor?" Donna called louder.

Footsteps were approaching the string.

"Aww, not even Eye-Candy's home?" a familiar voice whined.

"What is Captain John doing here?" hissed Owen.

"Who's Eye-Candy?" whispered the Doctor.

"Shhh!" Ianto silenced them.

"Quite a place you've got here." Another voice commented.

"How many people did Jack pick up?" an angry Faerie Doctor asked. "Do time lines mean nothing to him?"

"Shut up!" Gwen whispered frantically. Feet could be seen from under the desk right next to the string. "On the count of 3!'

"Maybe the Rift's acting- OH MY GOODNESS!" Jack cried as what he failed to notice was his team and best friend jumped out at him shouting.

"BOO!"

Just behind Jack, Donna, John, and –a pirate?- stopped in their tracks and pulled out guns (except Donna), but turned towards Jack again as a loud twang was heard.

A giant boomerang came out of nowhere and hit an equally giant bowl, causing it's contents to shoot out to ANOTHER giant object, namely an alien trampoline which does not simply bounce. It cannoned the spilt ice cream upwards, and before anyone knew it, the entire bottom floor and all the occupants of the Hub were shot down with the surge of ice cream.

A moment of silence passed before everyone was able to surface the sea of ice cream.

Then, suddenly,

"This has to be one of the best days of my life!" the Faerie Doctor cried as he dove into the ice cream blanketing the floor.

"I think I have brain freeze…" Owen the mouse muttered in between mouthfuls of the frozen dairy treat.

"Haha, the Hub's covered in sticky ice cream…" Ianto giggled while twitching slightly. He looked over at Gwen and laughed for real. "You look like a snowman!"

Gwen shoved him into the ice cream-sea as a response.

Tosh just waved her arms happily and threw ice cream at Owen.

'Oi! Watch it!" he squeaked indignantly.

"Aside from the obvious, would anyone like to tell me what's happening?" Captain Sparrow asked. He picked some ice cream out of his hat. "This is the single best thing I've ever eaten…" He sat in the ice cream and poked it.

Jack, John and Donna were still busy registering what happened.

Captain Harkness was the second to recover. "Alright, which alien's idea was it to cover my base in ice cream?" he demanded to know while trying to look threatening. It was hard when he was colored blue and trying not to laugh.

"OOO, me!" shouted the Doctor as he zoomed out of the ice cream to hover in Jack's face.

"Aw no, not you guys again!" Jack said while angrily trying to swat away the Doctor.

'No no, Jack, it's me, the Doctor! I wanted to give you a surprise when you got home." The Time-Lord-Faerie explained.

"In what cracked-up Universe do you play pranks?" Jack asked, flabbergasted that the 900 year old alien knew what a prank was.

"Yeah Doctor, you're always telling me I'm the immature one." Donna added, finally processing that her hair would never be the same again. It was purple.

"So this is the Doctor?" John asked Jack H., unimpressed. He was coated red.

"While you were gone there was some alien gas that transformed us into different aliens and animals. The first time it only changed our appearance; this time it seems to have altered our behavior among other things." Ianto explained, vainly attempting the get some strawberry ice cream out of his suit.

"So let me get this straight Ianto; alien gas turned the Doctor into a Faerie, and you got really pale?" Donna asked.

"No, Tea-boy's a Vampire or something." Owen the mouse clarified. Now he was green.

"Owen? You're a mouse!" laughed Jack H.

"Yes, I bloody well noticed!" Owen snapped.

"Miss Cooper is a Raxacoricofallapatorian, and Miss Sato is a Mime." The Doctor added.

"Well that's weird." John commented. He didn't care. Because he was in a bloody sea of ice cream for crying out loud! This had to be the greatest, slightly kinky thing to happen to him all week!

"Wait! The Doctor started talking like he normally does! Our two days must be up." Gwen pointed out. "Err, we should go…" she scooted over to the showers.

"Yes, their normal clothes are there, and I desperately need some new clothes anyway." Ianto added as an explanation. "We'll only be a moment."

"About time I stopped being a mouse." Owen grumbled as he scurried after Gwen, Ianto, Tosh, and the Doctor.

So Jack H., Jack S., John, and Donna were left to slosh about in the ice cream.

"Ianto should be ready to have a panic attack right about now…maybe Vampires don't care so much about messes?" Jack H. wondered while they were waiting.

When the transformed team did come back though, there were a few problems.

Owen was cursing, seeing as his voice was all high pitched and there was no way he could get _anyone_ into his bed with that voice.

Tosh was unable to speak English for the time being, so her words of wisdom were lost on Owen, who could not for the life of him speak Japanese.

He appreciated it anyway.

Ianto was still white as a sheet, and informed a sobbing Owen that he honestly couldn't feel his own pulse anymore.

Gwen was also sobbing; she had gained weight. Not that the team would tell her, but _a lot_ of weight.

The Doctor's hair had turned green at some point as well.

"Well this is fabulous." Ianto deadpanned.

"Yes…didn't see this coming…it should wear off after a few days…weeks…months…years…" the Doctor trailed off, patting his precious hair.

"Years?!" Owen shrieked. Yes, Owen shrieked.

"Aw c'mon, it can't be that bad, can it? These are only minor changes…" he trailed off as Owen's stare of horror grew more pronounced. "What?"

"What if Ianto still can't make coffee right?" he asked in a hollow voice.

The Hub was silent as everyone stared at Ianto.

"Quick Ianto go see!" Gwen yelled, panicked. They had all gone a few days (in Jack's case, a week) without decent coffee, and it really showed.

"Right away." Said Ianto as he worriedly went over to the kitchen.

The rest of them waited in their respective puddles of ice cream, holding their breath.

A few painful moments later, Ianto stepped out of the kitchen with a tray of mugs for everyone.

Jack decided to try first. Everyone watched wide-eyed as he took a gulp. His expression was blank for a while, before it split into an award-winning smile.

"Wonderful, as always!" he announced happily. Ianto let out the breath he'd been holding. Everyone else gave him a smile as they took their mugs as well.

"All the drama aside, Captain Jack Harkness, I believe we made a bet precisely a week ago." The Doctor said, grinning as he looked at his watch.

Jack gulped. "Alright Doctor, who's going first?"

"You." The Time Lord said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Jack took one last deep breath. "OK, here I go. I saved a planet of Blobs from having any more reckless human male visitors, while helping John here to not get executed."

Donna coughed.

"Donna helped too."

The Doctor and John gave Jack disbelieving looks.

"After that, I stopped the TARDIS from crashing…"

John glared at the ex-Time Agent.

"And then we went to went to Tortuga to have some good-natured fun…"

Donna snorted.

"Hey! Stop interrupting me. Anyways, then me and Donna saved John and the other Jack from some evil Daleks…"

Jack S. rolled his eyes from his position on the floor.

"And then we came back here, without any problems."

This time John, Donna, and Jack S. went up to hit Jack H. in the back of the head.

"And people call me a compulsive liar." John mumbled.

The Doctor gave them an amused look. "I take it it went a little bit differently?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'll tell you later." Donna waived the question.

"Well, what did you accomplish?" Jack H. demanded.

"Oh, I finished up every single bit of paperwork in your office, got everyone to play truth or dare, then we had a mauve alert, which we spent the rest of the week handling along with the normal occurrences…which was interesting. But the Rift was surprisingly quiet, so we all set up what was needed to prank you. That's it." The Doctor reported dutifully.

Jack H. noted that no one interrupted him. Why did _he_ never get that respect?

"As self-declared judges or the bet, we have a decision." Announced Donna and Owen.

"…the Doctor obviously did a better job as Boss of Torchwood 3 than Jack was as a time-traveler." They declared.

"NOOOOOOO!" Jack H. cried, falling to the floor dramatically in defeat. Ianto gave him a consolatory prize hug.

"Yes! Ha, I knew it!" the Doctor shouted happily.

"But what was the bet?" Gwen asked.

Tosh said something in Japanese.

"Doctor, why won't the TARDIS translate Japanese?" John asked.

"Oh, there were a few bugs with the program…it refuses to translate certain languages now. Don't ask me why." The Doctor sighed. "But I know Japanese, so no problems! Yes, Toshiko, the bet does involve embarrassing things!" he answered Tosh with glee.

Ianto soon was witness to a Jack-death by mortification. "…Jack?"

* * *

That was fun. heh, thanks for reading this far!


	18. Epic Epilogue

This is a short little epilogue to this story. I apologize for the several-month delay in posting this. I blame...school. And procrastination. Doesn't it see I have work to do?! Anyway, this is it. I rewrote it like, 5 times before deciding to keep it all short. It used to be VERY long. and no good. I'll use the other ideas for other fics.

But thanks for sticking with this nonsense! I love you guys...I hope that this ending is OK and doesn't make people disappointed!

Disclaimer: I STILL have no claim over Torchwood or Doctor Who. Or else we wouldn't be waiting so long for new episodes! Or maybe we would. XD

* * *

**Owen**

I took Tosh on that date. It was nice…

Even if neither of us understood the other. But I held her hand. It was nice.

Maybe I should play truth or dare with her again.

But I would think twice before bets with Time Lords.

Could be interesting…

* * *

**Tosh**

Owen took me on that date. It was lovely…

He held my hand. It was the only part of the date I understood.

Maybe?...no. Maybe? Truth or dare is in order again.

I feel bad for Jack. But another date with Owen.

Could be romantic…

* * *

**Gwen**

Everyone seems so bubbly. I'm just full of ice cream. It was amazing…

Except Jack. Everytime I ask Ianto, he runs off crying.

That bet must be terrible to affect both of them…

I need to call Rhys. He could explain men to me.

Could be helpful…

* * *

**John**

I decided to stay around lovely Cardiff for a bit with Jack. Sparrow, of course.

He's so much more fun than Jack. Harkness, that is.

After what happened to him.

Jeez, I better watch my tongue…

As if. I'm going to find Jack S.

Could be fun…

* * *

**Jack S.**

John is teaching me about life in Cardiff.

Teaching can be defined many ways.

I need to watch what I say around that man…

He takes everything a certain way.

Could be dangerous…in that way…cough…

* * *

**The Doctor**

I left Cardiff yesterday with Donna.

We're still laughing at what I did to Jack.

I think a trip to the Comedy planet is in order.

We're sure to get free kolaches for the jokes about our dearest Jack.

Could be fattening…who cares?

* * *

**Donna**

Me and the skinny git left Cardiff yesterday.

I have to admit I'm impressed with his skills of torture.

We're even going to the comedy planet to earn kolaches at the expense of Jack.

Poor bloke.

Could be guilt inducing…not really…

* * *

**Ianto**

I can't stop laughing.

Gwen thinks I'm crying everytime I have to leave the room to have another bout of laughing.

Couldn't have my serious façade ruined…

I quite like that evil-minded alien.

Really…Jack Harkness unable to mention or have sex for a month?

Could be painful…to him…muahaha…

* * *

**Jack H.**

I hate life. There is no more purpose in my immortal life any more…

For a month.

Ianto keeps laughing at me…

I hope the Doctor's next regeneration has no feet!

But I must not think about THAT…oh noes…

ZAP!

Could be complicated…ZAP!...Ow…

ZAP.

* * *

YUP. You waited an entire fic to find out that the Doctor put an anit-sex shock collar on Jack. But BBC did that anyway by moving Torchwood to BBC 1. Curse you idea stealers!!

Haha...again, thanks for reading.

I feel like I need to write something epic to celebrate the fic's completion.

A signature will do.

Watcha XD


End file.
